Birth Story: A daddy’s view on fatherhood
I have four kids and have watched three of them being born. Although it’s a magical time, it’s also a stressful time for us fathers.
We are on the sidelines watching our first love going through the pains of labour and feeling helpless. All we want is for both mother and baby to be healthy.
Personally, I don’t deal well with stress due to severe anxiety, so I felt more than useless and just felt like I wanted to escape.
All three of my wife’s labours were different, that’s one thing to keep in mind. Even if you have a bad experience with the first, it doesn’t mean the next one will be the same. It’s good to research hospitals nearby and find out people’s experiences so you can be prepared.
Every labour is different and needs something different from you
My first child’s birth was so quick and easy I thought “aww labour isn’t so bad”. The minute we got to the hospital the waters broke, but she was so relaxed you wouldn’t have thought this was a woman in labour (you can read Michelle’s version of events here). In fact, she was so chilled that I fell asleep and woke up just as the baby was being born.
Our second labour however, was entirely the opposite. My wife was kept waiting for hours without any pain relief and I think it made her labour that much harder because by the time it came to giving birth, my wife was already so exhausted that it put an extra strain on her body.
If you’ve decided that pain relief is something you want, it is important to get it from the start. It’s also worth mentioning that due to the long wait for medication and the utter exhaustion of my wife, there were complications after our baby was born, which could have been avoided with the right level of care from the outset.
At one point, I was seriously concerned that I was going to lose my wife. It made bonding with my newborn daughter incredibly difficult. Even thought I knew logically it wasn’t her fault, it still held me back from being as close to her as I wanted.
Our third labour was the longest one out of the three with my wife trying for ages to push but getting nowhere. The nurses realised the baby was OP (occiput posterior position).
This meant his head was at an awkward angle and was in effect stopping him from coming out. By this point, my wife was very tired and upset, understandably so.
I tried to comfort her as best I could, but even the nurse knew that I wasn’t helping that much. If you struggle with stress like I do, I would recommend having someone with you to be an added support for both you and your partner. We were incredibly lucky to have my wife’s mother with us who was an absolute rock for us to rely on and lean on for support.
False expectations and feeling left out
Shows like one born every minute really do give the wrong impression of what to expect in labour. I wouldn’t recommend relying on them for a true representation of what the experience is really like. In my experience, women don’t laugh that much, nor do they scream as badly as they do on TV. I think with shows like that, they have to put on the worst births to keep ratings up.
All in all, once you get over the drama of it, you look back and realise it was all totally worth it because you love them more than anything in the world.
I found the hardest thing for me was my wife breastfeeding all of our kids. Though I felt incredibly proud of her for doing such an amazing job, I felt a little left out, or not needed. All they wanted for the first few months was their mummy.
I think it’s so important for both parents to share the time spent with bubba. My first daughter with my wife is definitely more for her mummy, though don’t get me wrong I know she loves me, but I just felt we never got as much time bonding, not like I did with my next daughter.
It’s definitely important to make sure both parents get enough time to spend with their baby. A good tip for us dads is to take the lead in bath time, as this is one way we can develop our bonds with our children. Another way is by taking them to school/playgroup and spending some quality time on the journey there and back. I know it’s definitely something which my daughters and I have enjoyed doing together.
Dealing with more difficult times
Finally, I wanted to mention my other child Chloe from a previous relationship. All throughout her mother’s pregnancy everything was fine. All the doctors and hospital check ups were OK until we got to her final appointment. The scan showed that although my daughter was alright, there wasn’t enough food being passed through to her from the umbilical cord.
Because of the dangers surrounding this, her mother had to have an emergency C section, and my daughter spent her first 2 months in the intensive care unit. I remember how small she was, hooked up to all different types of machines.
Nothing can prepare you for seeing your baby in one of those incubators. The first time I saw her laying there I was terrified to hold her, too scared something would happen. But she’s now turning 8 and you would never of known she was a premature baby. In fact, I think premature babies do better in my opinion as they are fighting from the day they come in to the world. It just goes to show how important each check up is since it practically saved my baby’s life.
